Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Thrilling chase underway
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil