“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
me irl
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.