GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
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[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak