If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
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The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office