Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
You Might Also Like
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”