i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.