Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
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Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
couldn’t resist
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.