before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
good work, detective
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Happy weekend !
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.