Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Confused owl: What?!
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.