“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
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Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.