My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.