Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
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Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.