If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
*pronounces fake like saké*
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.