If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
You Might Also Like
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.