Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
You Might Also Like
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?