I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.