Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
The old gods are rising again.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
thanks auntie mary
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.