I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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The “baby” on the left….
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth