My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
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ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…