Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
You Might Also Like
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.