Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
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Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
forgive me baja for i have blast
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Every BBC series about the universe.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.