21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
a public service announcement
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
japanese corn
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists