Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude