I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”