video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
knights of the ikea table
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?