[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
You Might Also Like
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”