#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
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I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh