[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
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today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Möther may I have a snäck
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.