im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
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Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground