Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.