last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with