Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: