C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
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Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
multitasking lunch
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away