Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes