My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
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The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.