Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
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[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*cough*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.