Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Cat.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth