“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I’m putting together a team
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.