What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
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My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”