sigh
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That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.