The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE