I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
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My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video