I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end