You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.