Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
my professor scared me for a second
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”