During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
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Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try