I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
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may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Living the best life.. 😊
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life