Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
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7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
April 1st is the class clown of days.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.