But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
When the stylist spins you back around
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.