Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
You Might Also Like
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.